I've been struggling with this idea, because I want to discuss something that has been a large component of my life, but at the fear of being uncouth, I haven't. But today is the day I'll share with the world what's really going on in my life. I'll let you see what's going on underneath Richard Hall.
 |
| What's going on inside of me. |
Literally.
This is me. Well, this is a picture that looks a lot like me. I've been inexplicably sick. I've lost my appetite to eat, and when I do eat, I get stomach pain. I get fatigued easily. I've lost 20 pounds in a month's span. More than half of the day I am nauseous ("Life in Nausea" is a great band name, by the way).
A few weeks ago I went into the doctor for a diagnosis. After he poked and prodded me, did all of the doctor things, the first thing he says is that we're going to run some tests for cancer. He gave me some medication for-
Wait, did Dr. Brown just say cancer? Why didn't he say it could be something else? He could have at least added a different probable diagnosis. What the heck, Doc! Cancer sounds like the worst. Everyone has a similar reaction when they find out someone has cancer. In the most sentimental way possible, we think, "Wow, that person's life is hard." "Wow, they must be in a lot of pain." We think that because it's true! Cancer is hard, it's painful, it's something you never want. But here I am, 20, scheduling CT scans and giving stool samples (gross) for an unknown sickness.
There's a strange occurrence while waiting for test results and frequenting med clinics: life goes on. I put in my work hours, I go on a date or two, I attend church meetings. When people have cancer, they often say that they fight cancer, or they beat cancer. In fact, some people beat cancer even when they die. That's because it isn't the tumors and cells that kills you, it is the concept of cancer that is deadly. Just the idea of the illness is debilitating. Knowing that your life is being counted on a breaking clock, being able to inoculate yourself only so much, a day for one person is a marathon for yourself, that is disparaging. That is the lethal crush of cancer.
Between my Dr.'s appointment and the CT scan (which would reveal the existence of cancer) I had two weeks of this Schrodinger's Cat time frame where I maybe have cancer or I maybe had something that wasn't life-altering. On one hand my world was about to flip, on the other I was a prescription away from being normal. I don't want to say anything, because if it doesn't work out I'll be an overreacting drama queen, but you can't hide something that's a part of you. Well, on social media you can. But that's not real life.
This is what everyone with cancer has to deal with. They have to choose whether to let the illness define who they are, or they have to face it head on and forget themselves. In two weeks I had to learn how to fight cancer, with the possibility of not even having it. That's the darkness of cancer. You can't control it, you can only control yourself.
Last Wednesday I got the results from the CT scan. Negative of cancer. Thank the good Lord. But the pain is still there. The nausea has only gotten worse. the fatigue is more prominent.
But it's not cancer.
So what is it? They don't know. If you don't know what you have, you can't be treated yet. I still force myself to eat, I still feel awful afterwards. Knowing that I don't have cancer doesn't solve the problem.
But it's not cancer.
And life goes on. And my Facebook posts and comments stay consistently light-hearted. And I continue to work two jobs. And I just got a new calling in the church. And I'm still watching episodes of the West Wing ever night. And I am surrounding by amazing friends. And this is still one of the most difficult illnesses I've faced. And that's okay, because life goes on.
Listening to the radio one day I heard a quote that I'll keep for a while. "Courage isn't the lack of fear. Courage is facing your fears head on until you've conquered them." Because we all know fear doesn't go away until you defeat it. Fear is not only opposed to faith, it is overcome by faith. Hope smiles brightly before us, because it has chased out the darkness. Sickness, even unknown sickness that slips into every part of life, can be conquered.
Between my Dr.'s appointment and the CT scan (which would reveal the existence of cancer) I had two weeks of this Schrodinger's Cat time frame where I maybe have cancer or I maybe had something that wasn't life-altering. On one hand my world was about to flip, on the other I was a prescription away from being normal. I don't want to say anything, because if it doesn't work out I'll be an overreacting drama queen, but you can't hide something that's a part of you. Well, on social media you can. But that's not real life.
This is what everyone with cancer has to deal with. They have to choose whether to let the illness define who they are, or they have to face it head on and forget themselves. In two weeks I had to learn how to fight cancer, with the possibility of not even having it. That's the darkness of cancer. You can't control it, you can only control yourself.
Last Wednesday I got the results from the CT scan. Negative of cancer. Thank the good Lord. But the pain is still there. The nausea has only gotten worse. the fatigue is more prominent.
But it's not cancer.
So what is it? They don't know. If you don't know what you have, you can't be treated yet. I still force myself to eat, I still feel awful afterwards. Knowing that I don't have cancer doesn't solve the problem.
But it's not cancer.
And life goes on. And my Facebook posts and comments stay consistently light-hearted. And I continue to work two jobs. And I just got a new calling in the church. And I'm still watching episodes of the West Wing ever night. And I am surrounding by amazing friends. And this is still one of the most difficult illnesses I've faced. And that's okay, because life goes on.
Listening to the radio one day I heard a quote that I'll keep for a while. "Courage isn't the lack of fear. Courage is facing your fears head on until you've conquered them." Because we all know fear doesn't go away until you defeat it. Fear is not only opposed to faith, it is overcome by faith. Hope smiles brightly before us, because it has chased out the darkness. Sickness, even unknown sickness that slips into every part of life, can be conquered.
No comments:
Post a Comment